Feb 13
I've run half marathons before.
But even so, I'm incredibly nervous about running a half marathon tomorrow.
This will be my 25th half marathon since 2011. I'm completely aware some people run more than that in a year. But this one is the first one I've had a complete training cycle for, a ramp up, a taper down, etc. since my daughter's birthday.
I told myself after I ran the Oakland Half Marathon in 2011 that once I finished I'd have at least one thing going for me: I would never have to run my first half marathon again.
Fast forward to July 27, 2014.
"Don't you miss out on a lot by running so much?" a coworker, bewildered about my 10-mile long runs on the weekend, one asked.
Pregnancy does a number on a woman's body. I say that, now 11 weeks postpartum, only minutes after trying to find professional clothes to wear to a formal event. It, obviously, changes the abdomen. Even though everyone swore I was "all tummy," my legs and arms feel deflated.
There's a confusing stupor that comes with being awoken after general anesthesia. In the same moment, you are there, waking up, but still very much "out."
More than two days after I was induced to deliver my daughter, I was coming out of that haze very slowly without recollection of what had happened to me in the moments, hours and days before.
"She's here," my husband assured me. "And she's fine."
I don’t want the title to sound like a complaint. My husband likes to remind me that WE WANTED to have a baby. We consider this little girl a huge blessing. And we are incredibly excited to welcome her in a couple months. (Also: I look like crap in that picture. I don’t even care.)
What I didn’t know, though, was how difficult it would be to see my body change so dramatically in such a short time. My “baby belly” didn’t really show until December when I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. But I started feeling “pregnant” nearly immediately.
Consider my last long run before I found out. I was exhausted. I could barely keep my pace. I kept stopping and sitting down. What was supposed to be a 15-mile run turned into a 12-mile run when I just couldn’t go on anymore. I stopped my Garmin and walked back to my car, thinking, perhaps, I was just having an off day.
That weekend I took a pregnancy test and immediately suspended my marathon training. I had 15,18 and 20 milers on the schedule for my next three weekends after that. I took the test because I could barely get up in the morning. I was having problems staying awake during the day. I knew, only weeks into the first trimester, that there was NO WAY I would be able to run a marathon at the end of September.
The positive pregnancy test meant that I slowly started pulling away from the running world, and this blog, and retreat to my everyday life. Why? Because, despite signing up for a bunch of races in that first trimester, I kind of knew I wouldn’t be running long distances for awhile. If I would have accepted it earlier, I likely would have been able to unload some of those race entries.
I’m finding, though, that at 30 weeks, my body is betraying me more than I ever thought it would. Health worries I thought I didn’t have anymore and coming back. My body is changing daily now and I never know what to expect. It’s exciting, because it means she’s coming soon, but it’s also so foreign to be in a body I don’t feel like is mine anymore.
DIABETIC WORRIES
I haven’t been on medication for four years, but the fact that I once was comes up in nearly EVERY appointment with my OB. At the beginning, it frustrated me. Now it’s just part of life.
Early in my pregnancy, I was given a new glucose meter to measure my blood sugar. I hadn’t owned one since right after my husband and I bought our house in 2010 and I purged a ton of stuff.
I was supposed to use it four times a day. But my hands started mildly swelling, and I couldn’t get any blood out. None. I would massage my fingers, put a rubber band around the finger I was poking, run my hands under hot water, etc. Nothing worked. I would get more upset with it than was really good for me or the baby.
So I stopped. Instead I opted to get my blood drawn for regular average sugar tests. So far? All within normal. But I can’t get past the fact that I’ve been on the medication before.
What irked me more than anything was the “you need to work out X amount of minutes a day.” I was already. The fact that my doctors didn’t seem to listen to me during my appointments when I told them I ran and did yoga was even more bothersome.
THE LEGS AREN’T WHAT THEY WERE
I lost 15 pounds when I first got pregnant. I didn’t have morning sickness. Instead, I just couldn’t eat anything. I picked apart my food for the first 14 weeks. I only ate small meals. I’d start eating something, then stop and give the rest to my dogs.
I was also too fatigued to run a lot at first.
The result of those two things was a decline in my leg muscles. It didn’t take long, particularly because I went from running 100-plus miles a month to 20 or so. My husband always told me that I really wanted to lose weight, I’d have to stop running as much. Turns out he was right.
When I did get back into it, in the second trimester, there was a noticeable difference in my running. My legs felt tight, and weak. They haven’t recovered.
EVERYTHING IS SWOLLEN
My feet, my hands, etc. Before anyone jumps to “that could be a sign of something bad,” I know. My doctor and I have had numerous conversations about pre-eclampsia. We’ve talked about me going in for twice-weekly monitoring of baby girl’s stress level. My blood pressure is checked regularly.
Swelling is part of pregnancy for some women. I’m one of those women.
My running shoes don’t fit. Neither do any of my heels. In the past four weeks none of my flats have fit me well.
Worse even is that my wedding ring has been in our home safe for weeks because I haven’t been able to wear it out of the house.
The swelling makes me very uncomfortable. When I clinch my hands, it hurts. Obviously walking around is painful after awhile as well.
BABY GIRL HATES RUNNING
Maybe she doesn’t, but she sure seems to. My husband is concerned about pre-term labor (which is a real concern for us with my health history) and asked me to NOT run during the third trimester. Yoga is fine. Walking is fine. But no high impact. The funny thing is that I’m OK with it. I’ve been fine with it since I started getting Braxton Hicks contractions in the middle of two mile runs.
I also started responding to the baby when I feel as if she is sending me messages. Some runs were fine. I felt as if the movement had rocked her to sleep. Other days, I felt as if I was making her incredibly uncomfortable. She started kicking my bladder uncontrollably and then didn’t calm down about an hour later.
She would kick me relentlessly after. I started feeling as if she wasn’t all that comfortable when I was running, particularly in the past couple weeks of running.
So I stopped.
Now I’m sticking to yoga, but even that is becoming harder. I’m 30 weeks today. I’m going back and forth about registering for another few sessions of yoga. At this point I only am looking at five sessions at a time … because I had a couple weeks were I was too uncomfortable to go.
All of these things are making it hard to feel like “me” right now.
But I’m not quite ready to share.
There’s a great concern among readers of this blog when I suddenly drop off the face of the world for awhile. It’s not deliberate. I promise. I’ve been busy with my students (journalism conference last weekend and a new issue this week), website work and family stuff.
There are some confessions, though:
Working through it means I haven’t wanted to share as much, for the first time since I started this blog. So I’ve been stepping back and prioritizing. It doesn’t mean I’m joining the mass exodus of bloggers who stopped blogging either. I’m not there yet either.
I just ask for a little patience as I put my health back together. And a little understanding when my half marathon times really start to take a hit.
Today is the official start of the Runner’s World Summer Run Streak. The magazine, and bloggers across the country, are challenging everyone to run at least one mile every day for the next 39 days. I have to admit, I’m always a little tempted by this sort of challenge.
But I never partake. I’m too commitment prone to do so.
Scratching your head? I’ll explain.
I have a deep-seeded loyalty in me that means I often give people, places, things, jobs even, too much of myself before I decided enough is enough. I never thought I could be “loyal to a fault.” This year, I learned that could be a “thing.” I’m way too loyal in some situations. My running is one of those things.
STICKING TO THE PLAN
My runs are set up specifically through the week to help relieve stress and anxiety while still keeping me active and healthy. I have a pretty regular, albeit boring, plan.
Sunday: Long run
Monday: Tempo run for an hour (usually 5 to 6 miles)
Tuesday: A very steady six miler (at race pace if I’m training for a race)
Wednesday: Cross training (lately Jillian Michaels workout video)
Thursday: Six to eight miles
Friday: Rest (OK, this used to be my core day. Since my January surgery, I’ve been having a hard time making that happen again.)
Saturday: Tempo run anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half
I’ll be first to admit I don’t run every single day I plan to. My Sunday’s are pretty consistent with the long runs. Mondays are never a problem.
But I deviate from the path sometimes.
When I do run, I HAVE to run the specific run I’m supposed to run on the specific day. So much so that my running buddies know Tuesday and Thursday are “running” days for me. Ask me to do something different (another workout video included) on those days and the answer is usually no.
I’m committed to the plan. I’m also committed to longer runs.
I can’t run just a mile. A mile in, my endorphins are finally settling and I’m starting to calm down as a runner. Anxiety can make or break that first mile for me. It’s incredibly hard for me to get out the door or hop on the treadmill without my mind going to worst-case scenario. (Again, anxiety is fun folks. SO FUN.)
THE REST DAY PHENOMENON
I need my rest days.
In being enticed by these “streaks” I stumbled across many runners who had “been there, done that” and came out OK. My favorite post is from No Meat Athlete where he actually lists all he learned from a 50-day run streak. Even if his post doesn’t sell me on running for 50 days straight, I love it. I love that he actually analyzes all the lessons learned in those days.
At some point I’m going to do a blog post on the “what works for me, doesn’t work for you” concept.
Today, I’m declaring rest days essential for ME. Maybe not for other runners, but definitely for me.
The gallbladder removal at the top of 2013 killed my mileage for January. It also made me re-evaluate myself as a runner. I ran more than 1,200 miles in 2012. It was an epic, record year.
I’m not on track to do that this year. I’m not forcing myself to run when I don’t feel my legs can handle it. I’m giving myself more rest days.
It also means I get to spend more time doing the important things in life, like hanging out with my dogs. Beau appreciates it.
I’m pulling back. And I’m running better for it. To me that’s huge. After three years of trial and error, I’m finally able to understand why this works for me. My body is just one of those bodies that needs extra rest to recover from the pounding and fatigue from running too many miles.
NO LACK OF MOTIVATION
This is the biggest reason I haven’t jumped into running a streak. It’s touted as a way to get runners past the doldrums of summer when you’d rather eat large quantities of food at outdoor barbecues than lace up the shoes.
I don’t need that motivation. At all. I’ve never once cancelled a run because my husband and I want to go to a barbecue or hang out with friends. Instead, I restructure my schedule. I become a morning runner. It’s a lot harder than it sounds.
Yesterday was a case in point.
We spent more than seven hours hanging out with our good friends at their house.
So I ran in the morning. Eight miles. I adjust so I don’t have to choose.
I have multiple races I’m signed up for that mean not training is not an option. Despite the heat, summer actually turns into my best running season. I can rack up miles upon miles just because my obligations are so much less during the summer months (no school).
I don’t need the extra push.
IS IT EVEN GOOD FOR YOU?
That’s a question I can’t answer.
I can’t run every day for a month, let alone 39 or 50 days. It’s true I haven’t tried it, but I think I would overdose on running just enough to not make it fun anymore for me. Again, this is my personal preference.
I have friends who’ve done these “streaks.” When I mentioned I was toying with the idea of doing a run streak a couple years ago, a friend told me I would kill my joints and probably burn out before I ended the streak. I love that streak running has it’s own organization, the United States Running Streak Association, that has an article about “The Dangers of Streak Running.” Except once you read it, it doesn’t sound so dangerous if you just practice common sense.
But I’ve also seen the question come up on multiple forums recently with links back to the Runner’s World streak. The popular answer is that it’s up to you. You decide if it can work for you. You decide if you want to or need to streak.
For me the answer continues to be no.
May 12
Do you ever have one of those days where you truly love running? I mean not just the running part, but also the sense of accomplishment and camaraderie from other runners?
Running is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is either freakishly athletic or lying. Your feet pound the pavement constantly. Your whole body shakes. You can easily feel worn down at the end. In some cases, you feel broken and beaten.
Confession: I used to feel the later of those things and more after a run.
Recent realization: I’m lucky to be able to finish a half marathon, marathon or any other event AT ALL. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone wants to. But being a runner, or any distance, means you’ve committed to the challenge. Finishing that distance means you did it. All the runners I’ve ever meant say that once they finished that “unreachable distance” they want to keep pushing. They want to keep going. We’re damn lucky we can.
That brings me to the Mermaid Series Sirena 18. By far, this is one of the smallest races I’ve done in the three years I’ve been running. And I love it.
It is one of three races I’ve run that focuses on female runners (See Jane Run and the Nike Women’s Marathon are the other two). The goal is to empower women of all sizes and backgrounds to just run. The “just run” part is hard enough. Getting out there is even tougher. Running in front of people is unfathomable for some people.
With all that said, this year’s Sirena 18 went well at the beginning, but kind of fell apart at the end for me. And you know what? That’s OK.
I was hot. The sun was beating down on me. I ran out of Gu at mile 15 (seriously!). I felt like I slowed to a crawl after blazing through the first 11 miles without any issues. And it’s all OK.
Because I went out and ran.
The day started out in kind of a daze. My 4:30 a.m. alarm got me up quickly. I was out the door by 5:20 a.m. for a round of pick ups of fellow runners in Mountain House. My husband decided last weekend that he wanted to head up to Colusa and see a friend this weekend. That left me by myself for this run, which was OK when my running buddy Sam offered to come with and bring her daughter to run the Mini Mermaid run.
We stopped by and picked up two more runners to head to Quarry Lakes Regional Recreation Area in Fremont.
We were there within an hour, maybe even 45 minutes. My race was the earliest one, starting at 7:30 a.m.
In retrospect, I probably spent too much time in the car hanging out and not enough time stretching and preparing. It was kind of cold outside. I wasn’t exactly in “race mode.” That would come back to haunt me later.
I went and grabbed my race bib in the Sirena 18’s one line. I was also given a pretty nice, though long, shirt.
At 7:25 a.m., I lined up and met up with my friend Mimi, who was running her first Sirena 18. Mimi and I go way back to my beginning newspaper reporting days. She’s now a director for an influential organization in my hometown. I first met and interviewed her when she was in high school. I’m in awe of all she’s done since then.
I was pretty jazzed to see her.
The race started right on time with a small field, though more people than last year. It started all good.
Mile 1: 10:06 — Good pacing, feeling good. The start is a smooth, conversational pace.
Mile 2: 10:15 — Still in the park, moving along nicely. The sky is overcast. I’m worried a little because my skin burns more when it’s overcast. I wonder if I’ve put enough sunscreen on.
Mile 3: 10:19 — My first Gu for the day. My legs were starting to warm up. We hit the first out and back. I slow for the Gu and take down a little water with it.
Mile 4: 10:19 — Feeling really good here.
Mile 5: 10:07 — The Gu starts to kick in. I feel amazing as we hit the bridge to take us to the longer of the two out-and-back routes.
Mile 6: 10:41 — My legs are feeling good, but I’m also getting tired.
Mile 7: 10:56 — Why am I so tired? At this point, we’re past the beginning of the park. Nowhere to go but out and back now. It’s a long way until the turnaround.
Mile 8: 10:37 — Another Gu.
Mile 9: 11:41 — Slowing through a water stop. It’s starting to get warm and it’s not even that late.
Mile 10: 10:48 — Gu is kicking in now. Feeling good. The turnaround for the longer out-and-back is within this mile. Only eight miles? I have this! (BTW, I may have been imagining it, but I thought someone said “and she runs!” right here. If that was someone out there who reads my blog, speak up!)
Mile 11: 12:13 — Or do I? I get through the first 11 miles in under two hours. It’s good, but I’m starting to really feel the heat here. In fact, it literally feels like someone just flipped a switch. Why? The first part of this section, we run facing away from the sun. On the way back, we run facing the sun. Suddenly it feels so much hotter. And I’m miserable.
Mile 12: 11:58 — I hate you sun. I hate you so much.
Mile 13: 12:55 — SUN. FIERY SUN. BLAH.
Mile 14: 12:59 — I’m hot. I’m miserable. I realize that I’m falling way behind here. I was doing so well. Now it’s falling apart. I take another Gu in between miles 13 and 14.
Mile 15: 12:03 — The Gu kicked in. I feel better, but I’m still hot. And then I realize my toe hurts. My left IT band is also screaming at me. That’s what happens when you don’t stretch. I was really feeling it then.
Mile 16: 12:48 — Between the heat, my IT band and my toe, I was dying. But the bridge back into the park was coming up again. I was elated to see it. I just wanted to finish. I tried to go for another Gu only to realize I was all out. All out. Gone. No more Gu. Well, crap. One of my major mistakes last year was not taking the Gu at mile 16.
Mile 17: 12:08 — Picking it up back into the park. I grabbed a couple glasses of very watered-down Gatorade. It hardly tasted like Gatorade. If outside the park felt steamy, inside the park was like a furnace. Yikes. Everyone around me was commenting on how horrible it felt. We hit an area near the lake and it smelled like fish. I was ready for it to be over.
Mile 17.82: 10:04 — I was a little disappointed as I came into the finish, until I saw Sam’s daughter with a sign she made specifically for me. She was running into the finish area with me, yelling “Go Tara!” OK, you can’t be mad when you see that. Not at all.
I was handed the charm the Mermaid Series awards participants with. I crossed the finish, grabbed a bottle of water and headed over to Sam. We sat for awhile talking before moving into a more shaded area. I needed to get out of the sun. I was so afraid of baking my skin and turning into a lobster.
Less than five minutes after I finished, I got a text message from the timing company with my official time: 3:22:54.
Even though the last seven miles were not my best, I beat last year’s time by nearly 10 minutes. That’s a good run. Again, I’m damn lucky to be able to run. I’m going to celebrate it.
I’m also going to celebrate Mimi a little too. I saw Mimi a couple times along the course. Each time, she looked cool, collected and serious. Mimi was determined.
I felt honored to cheer Mimi in when she came into the finish. I wish I still had my shoes on because I would have kept running along the chute next to her. I underestimated the thickets in the grass. But I took a cue from my friend’s daughter and started yelling her name the moment I saw her.
That’s Mimi. Mimi rocked it. I swear I’ve never seen a runner look so serene when she finished. She HAD this run. She OWNED this run. I have no doubt that when she runs a marathon, she’ll conquer it with as much determination as I saw her with out there during the Sirena 18.
One of the amazing things about the running community is that we all support each other. This is even more true at races put on with the intention of supporting female athletes. It’s women encouraging other women. Each woman’s name was said at the finish line. It’s a cheesy cliche, but it’s about “girl power.”
I was kind of on overload with all that support. Between a solid finish time (even though the last seven miles were a struggle), hanging out with my friend and her daughter (and heading out to Fremont with a car full of runners) and being able to cheer a friend on as she came into the finish, I felt proud to be a member of the running community.
I’m not sure even Mimi realizes how seeing her on the course pumped my spirits up, especially when I was struggling to keep lifting my feet. Just seeing someone you know and having them say “doing good” or “you got this” is an affirmation. It was a truly inspiring day for all of the reasons listed.
I’ll say it again: Runners choose this. We choose to endure the long runs, the long hours of workouts and the body pains. We push ourselves to go faster and longer. It makes us a little crazy, I’ll admit. But it also means we are incredibly fortunate.
There was a bit of a joke in my house last week about my ample amount of extra time since I usually take a week off of running after a marathon. It’s less about recovery, more about me giving myself a treat. One week without running.
That said, I really didn’t have “ample” free time last week. I spent Monday recovering from the run while coding some websites, specifically mocking up a text-only version of a site I’d been working on for some time. Then my students had full-day labs both Wednesday and Thursday for the newspaper. Then, as I was hoping for a wind down, I left with six students for a three-day, two-night journalism conference.
Once there, it was literally one thing after another for the entire time.
I’m not ashamed to say I slept most of Sunday.
So today is finally my “back to running” day. But I’m buried in projects. So I’m not 100 percent sure that’s going to happen either.I’m also behind on grading. So far behind.
Yikes.
That joke about free time? It’s really just a joke.
But since I’m home more now than I was six months ago, my husband constantly reminds me that I can’t just walk past the dishes and laundry anymore without doing anything.
I was peeling potatoes last week and he offered to buy me an apron.
“You’ll probably need one now,” he laughed.
My husband, the comedian.
I need to jump back into running. But I’m still a little tired from the crazy week I’ve had.
Part of that means writing down a plan for the San Francisco Marathon. Right now, I have my 18-miler in place (thanks to the Mermaid Series Sirena 18), and a half marathon planned out (Rock ‘n’ Roll Portland).
The quick turnaround between runs means I go back to mid-length runs this weekend, maybe even a 10-miler. In fact, I have a feeling that I’ll be doing at least two 15-milers during this training cycle. San Francisco is big on hills. I need to be ready.
So here’s to jumping back into it, or at least trying to, this week.
Copyright © 2025 Tara Cuslidge-Staiano. All rights reserved.
