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Oct 25

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The after

A year ago I was sitting in an emergency room calming down after being administered an emergency Xanax. My very taxed brain was relaxing for the first time in weeks. My body was coming out of a panic-induced tension.

A year ago, I couldn’t have imagined what I would be like today. Because I didn’t know how I would get through the next hour. Or the next day. I didn’t know how I would wake up and take on another day.

My confidence was replaced with sadness and fear. My voice trembled when I spoke. For weeks I had a tendency to burst into tears and cry for hours. I had to excuse myself from rooms to do just that for months.

A year ago, I temporarily lost myself. I broke down.

I spent four months in therapy, putting myself back together. Recognizing that the cause was a job that I had spent too long trying to make better and fake people I’d spent too much time investing myself in was one of the greatest breakthroughs. Finally “separating” from said job brought a secondary emotional whirlwind that I worked through for even more months.

I waded through the darkest period of my life and the seeming loss of what I always considered mt first love only to realize that I never fell out of love with journalism. I never lost my passion for it. It just got buried under bureaucracy, middle management restrictions and office politics. It was buried under a deep depression that wouldn’t have become better if I had stayed.

I fought my way back to me by training for and running 26.2 three times, earning a 12-minute PR in April at the San Luis Obispo Marathon. I did my first out of state race in Portland. I bricked my half marathon schedule to achieve a significant half marathon PR and finish with a 2:16 in San Diego.

I ran because it was what I knew to do when things got bad. I ran because it was my way to cope.

Eight weeks ago, though, I remembered why I started running. At 200 pounds, I was a Type 2 diabetic on medication. I was sluggish and unhappy. I was also told, once upon a time, that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and would likely have issues conceiving a child when the time came. (A surgery in 2010 found no issues with my ovaries, despite my hormone levels being way off.)

Get the weight down, health care professionals advised. Manage your diet better, the doctors warned.

There are things you don’t tell people when you start running. That was my thing. No one needed to know I was running to one day be able to have a baby. Because some things should be left personal.

To me, 2013 will always be the year of the personal best. Because I ran my butt off to put myself back together. Because my distance times improved.

But also because my personal best also means that eight weeks ago, my husband and I found out we will become first-time parents in May.

myafter

So as much as I will struggle to get through the one-year anniversary of the day that changed my life completely, I am celebrating the most beautiful “after” gift that I’ve received by way of the hell it took to get here.

The light at the end of the tunnel I so desperately sought a year ago burns brighter than I could have ever imagined.

Because I ran.

Every step.

Every mile.

Every marathon.

For this.

Oct 19

Today was a good day to run

goodday1

To say running has been a struggle lately might be an understatement. It’s been impossible on most days. In four weeks of scheduled races, I only made it to two. But the two I made it two were like night and day.

Two weeks ago, I ran a horrible half marathon. To make matters worse, my running buddy was having such a hard time with the race that she kept telling me to go ahead. I didn’t want to. As much as I had invested in it, I didn’t feel the need to do run away from her or go on without her. Nope. Wasn’t happening.

So Rock ‘n’ Roll San Jose didn’t go well for either of us. She was trying to keep me at a slower pace, too. If she hadn’t have paced me through the first eight miles, I probably wouldn’t have finished.

Today, though, marked the inaugural Let’s Go 510K.

So many things were amazing about today. I’ll write a race recap later, and hopefully be back to regular blogging, but a couple standouts included:

  1. An excellent turnout of people: I was given the chance to volunteer thanks to my race ambassador duties at packet pick up on Friday and was told that around 1,000 people signed up to run the event. THAT’S AN AMAZING NUMBER! Especially for a first-time event.
  2. Good running conditions: The race start was at 10 a.m., which meant that I could sleep in! It was still cold and slightly windy when we started our trek from Golden Gate Fields toward the Berkeley Marina.
  3. Plentiful support: The East Bay really came out to celebrate this run. We passed members of the Oakland Raider’s Black Hole, young soccer players and avid bird watchers — all cheered loud and proud.
  4. Location, location, location: A start along the San Francisco Bay? A route that winds around Albany and Berkeley’s picturesque shoreline? A finish ON THE TRACK at Golden Gate Fields? I haven’t run an in-city 10K with that much to offer ever.

The best part, though, was that I ran decently. Not well. Not PR status. But good enough that I feel better about running again.

goodday

I haven’t had such a “runner’s high” in quite sometime. But today, surrounded by a group of ridiculously excited first ever “five and dimers” I found a new spark in my passion for running.

Oct 3

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Breaking promises to myself (+ Energy Bits winner!)

cassie

I always feel like bad news should be accompanied with a photo of a cute dog. I also feel that sometimes you just rip off the Band-Aid.

I didn’t run the Half Moon Bay Half Marathon this past weekend. I was too exhausted from a long Saturday. I had a headache most the night. I didn’t feel good at all most the weekend. I decided to throw in the towel and rest.

I’m glad I did. I’m slated to run the Rock ‘n’ Roll San Jose Half Marathon this weekend. And another half marathon the weekend after.

I’m upset, though, that I didn’t get to see a friend cross the finish line of her first-ever marathon. I’m upset that I essentially “went through the motions” and didn’t follow through.

It it not my first DNS, it probably won’t be my last if I continue racing, but it was upsetting nonetheless.

I was excited for more training this week to take me into next weekend, another week of some solid runs to propel me through 13.1.

Instead, I got a flu shot on Monday. And I should have realized that once I got a flu shot, I would suddenly not feel good. I’ve struggled through my classes this week, trying to not stand up too much and sleep as much as possible. I’m glad to say I’m not feeling nearly as sick as I was on Tuesday.

But I am still feeling a little under the weather.

So I’m crossing my fingers I don’t have a repeat of last weekend this weekend.

This running thing is hard lately. The change in my diet has basically meant I don’t have as much energy and I’m trying to “figure out” the whole fitness and nutrition situation. I’m still struggling. More answers soon…hopefully.

I feel like I’m breaking a lot of promises to myself right now. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, particularly after a very successful spring/summer running season, but the fatigue and stomach issues are really bothering me.

I’m having to adjust my fueling and, so far, having mixed success in what works for me. Speaking of fueling (and something that didn’t upset my stomach)…

ABOUT THAT ENERGY (BITS PLEASE!)

energy

It’s funny that I talk about energy, because yesterday my Energy Bits giveaway ended! And we have a winner: JILL HARRIMAN!

The wonderful people at Energy Bits will be contacting you about your free sample! I’m excited to have you try out the bits, particularly because it’s an excellent way to get energy naturally.

Plus, Jill can now use my line, if she wants to, when someone asks her what she’s putting in her mouth: “Oh this, it’s algae. You know you want some.”

Yes. I totally went there.

Congratulations Jill!