Author: Tara Cuslidge

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Going through the motions

And getting ready to head down to Pasadena early on Saturday morning.

I’ve been working on a really awesome website renovation this week, that today kind of made me frustrated. So instead of waiting for SQL databases to behave appropriately, I decided it as time to get ready for the ride to southern California. I started clearing out, mind you not “cleaning out,” but “clearing out” my car.

I keep a lot of jackets, scarves and other items in my car. So I decided to get it washed. Professionally. I’ve only had it for six months.

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It took about an hour (the car wash was really busy on a nice 70-degree day here in northern California). But my car is bright and shiny. I went and got a tank of gas as well ($80! Prices are going up again).

Then I headed to Target to pick up some needed supplies. I haven’t traveled anywhere since December for California International Marathon, so I had a few toiletries to gather.

When I got home, I was greeted to a package from Road Runner Sports.

It was my two new pairs of LunarEclipse +2s.

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And they are actually pretty cute. I kept putting off buying this color before because I thought they would be black and too dark. The color is actually more of a dark gray.

One of the boxes was completely trashed. The other was in decent shape. So I replaced the broken box with one I already had, then I put both pairs up in my closet for “when the time comes.” That means the first pair of these to be used will probably come out in June sometime, likely before I run the San Francisco Marathon.

I’ve been slowly gathering my running clothes and other essential items all day in preparation for the journey down and the actual run. I hate to say it but my anxiety is peaking a little.

I’d like to think that was prompted by the $1,200 in hospital bills I just got from my gallbladder removal (seriously, if they were going to charge me that much, they should have at least let me keep it to take home in a jar). Yikes.

So I’m a little jumpy tonight. It makes “going through the motions” all that much harder, but I’m trying to breathe, relax and know that no matter what I can run 13.1 miles. I’ve done it before, many times. It may not be the best run I’ve ever done, but it will be OK. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I’m not sure if it’s working to calm me at all. But I kind of feel like hitting the road and just going will be the push I need to be more “present” and, maybe even “participate.”

Speaking of the last sentence, if you haven’t seen “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” I highly recommend it. I actually can’t recommend it enough.

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I read the book when I was 14 for the first time, back when it was just a little MTV novel that no one had ever heard of. By the time I graduated from high school in 2002, nearly everyone I knew that had any sort of taste in literature had read it. I spent years imagining what Charlie would sound like if he was ever brought to life.

When the movie came out last year, there were no local theaters showing it. The nearest one was about 30 minutes away and I just never got to see it. So when it came out on Tuesday, I made a night out of it. I ran the day before so I didn’t have to run that night.

I picked up dinner from a drive-thru fundraising dinner that I had purchased tickets from weeks before and headed home, immediately putting on the movie. I even went to two different Target stores to make sure I got the super-low priced BluRay for $16.99.

Call me cheesy, but the moment I heard Charlie’s voice for the first time, I had a bit of a moment. I guess it was kind of living seeing the opening screen of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. I had a moment. (I’m completely aware of how big of a dork I sound like right now. I don’t even care.)

I may put it on now as I finish packing all my stuff up for the road trip.

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Today, love the run you’re with

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I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day, if only because tell my husband I love him everyday. And he doesn’t need to buy me chocolate or flowers to make me feel special.

Today, though, is a good day to live the moment and love the moment. So whether that’s by heading out to a fancy restaurant or lacing up your running shoes, love every minute of today.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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On expectation and reality

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I made a confession yesterday that I’m now feeling less anxious about saying out loud: I may not be ready to run the Rock ‘n’ Roll Pasadena Half Marathon this weekend.

I’ve been thinking it for weeks. I only started really feeling it and wanting to be open about it 14 hours ago.

I told myself I needed at least three 10-milers to be OK with this training cycle. I’ve done two. The first one was a horrible struggle. Less than halfway through I felt like keeling over and just dying. Or at least disappearing into the ground.

Over the weekend, I told myself I’d do another. Then I went wine tasting and was having an amazing day with friends when my now gallbladderless body decided to rebel against me majorly for the first time since my surgery.

I had a margarita with dinner out at a restaurant. I ate barbecue chicken, coleslaw, corn and a bunch of other things. Within twenty minutes of eating, I found myself in the bathroom and (sorry, this may be TMI) throwing up everything I’d eaten during the day. My body wasn’t having it. I felt horrible.

I put off Sunday’s run for as long as I could, until Sunday was over.

I worked from home on Monday, straight through lunch and into the afternoon. At about 2:30 p.m. I decided it was time to put out or get out, for lack of a better term.

I started running. I didn’t stop for 10 miles.

It wasn’t a horrible run. I hit my training thresholds. I just felt completely unprepared after.

Why? Because my training runs haven’t really been “training” runs lately. I haven’t used Gu. I haven’t paid attention to hydration. In fact, my biggest concern has been my abdominal comfort and not overdoing it too soon. I never expected to have emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder last month. Doctors didn’t even know what it was, after years of tests and a previous surgery, so there was no way I could have prepared for any of this in my training cycle.

I look back now and realize I was living with a ton of pain. When I woke up in the hospital after my surgery, I hurt like hell where they put holes in me. But I also remember feeling something I hadn’t for awhile: no underlying abdomen pain. I guess the human body can withstand certain thresholds of discomfort and even make them normal. My pain was normal for me.

My expectation after the surgery was that I’d be up and running in a matter of weeks. The reality has been a lot harder.

My husband asked if I could switch to the 10K. I kindly told him there was no 10K option, which would likely have been far for doable for me in my current state.

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Instead, I’ll be venturing down to Pasadena to try my luck against a four-hour window in which I have every reason to fail. My running buddy actually assured me that I couldn’t do worse than her since she hasn’t run over four miles in forever. I, somehow, do not feel better about this whole thing.

The problem with signing up for races too far in advance is that most people don’t know what happens between the moment you hit “register” and the  moment you are at the start line.

In a perfect world, you would be fully trained by the time the gun goes off. Many people are not. Those who are may or may not have skipped or skimped one or more of their runs. There are cramps, torn ligaments, strains and sprains that set training back. There are unexpected events, whether personal or physical.

“Life is full of setbacks,” one of my old Lululemon bags I now use for my lunch has written on it. “Success is determined by how you handle those setbacks.”

I can’t help but think that Pasadena will be a critical point for my personal and athletic setbacks. My last race was weeks before I went back to work in December. This is my first race since I put all of that crap behind me. My husband tells me to just put one foot in front of the other.

“I’ve never seen you quit a race,” he said.

He’s right. Even at mile 18 in the pouring-down-rain 2012 version of the California International Marathon, I kept going. Even when my feet where waterlogged and my soaked shoes were tearing up my feet (my black toenails are the result of all that fun now), I kept going. But that now seems like forever ago, even though it was only December.

It seems like another Tara. In many ways, it is. She had a gallbladder, for one. She also never missed a training run despite a bevy of personal issues keeping her from being around people, even talking to people in some cases.

I’ll admit, I’m a little scared to see what the trip to Pasadena, the run and the aftermath has in store for this new Tara.

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Scoring a deal on shoes

I’m not good at couponing.

I have a friend who started doing it a couple years ago and she got really good at it for a minute. She even gave me some how-to lessons about a year ago. It’s only been in the past six months or so that I’ve started to pay more attention to coupon circulars and email alerts.

I also most always buy local. I love my local running store.

But in early 2012, I realized, after replacing my shoes every couple months, I was spending entirely too much on shoes. I kept waiting on my $15 reward coupon from my local running store just to get my shoes for $125 instead of $140.

Then one of my running buddies said to me, while I was lamenting on the cost of shoes one day (running is supposed to be a cheap sport, yes?): “Why don’t you just buy your shoes online?”

And suddenly it didn’t make sense to buy local anymore. I joined the Road Runner Sports VIP club. I was signed up for coupons. And every now and then I get a good deal.

Saturday is an awesome case in point.

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You might not be able to read it very well, my cart included two pairs of LunarEclipse+2 shoes for a before tax price of $140. That’s the cost of two pairs of shoes for what I would normally pay for one.

Seriously. Best deal ever.

The shoes are now discontinued, since Nike just released the new models. And if you don’t mind the not-so-popular colors, you can score a good deal once a shoe gets phased out.

Original price: $140

VIP Price: $121

Discounted price: $87

VIP Price with discount for VIP Appreciation Month (last weekend to take advantage): $70

Savings: +$35 a pair

The best part is that I just popped out a new pair of shoes that will last, likely, through June. So these two pairs will basically get me through 2013 and into the beginning of 2014.

Big score.

I hate to promote turning away from local shoe sellers, especially since I got fitted for these shoes by some great people, but I can’t justify the replacement price every time I need new shoes. Honestly, I don’t spend that much money on any other pair of shoes I own. I recently bought a pair of leather boots for $135. Cheaper than my running shoes. And they’ll likely last much, much longer.

So I had to find a workaround.

I’ve been asked before if it’s worth buying the VIP membership. Yes. Definitely. This is now the fourth pair of shoes I’ve bought from Road Runner Sports, the first pair was my Nike Equalons that were retired last year. I’ve probably saved about $300 altogether from the discount deals I’ve received through emails.

The better bonus? Free shipping. And I was notified within twenty minutes of buying the shoes that my shoes were already on the way. I should receive them at the beginning of this week. And then what? They go into my closet for storage until I need them.

I hate to say it, but this is about as much stockpiling as I’m willing to do in the couponing world.

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This week

If I ever thought I’d have more time to myself after trading full-time employment for freelancing and a part-time job, I was crazy. This week has proved that I will likely not have any more free time, especially during my student’s production weeks.

My newspaper staff has nearly double this semester. I’m having to create spreadsheets and sign ups for lab and one-on-ones. It’s amazing and a little overwhelming. We held three stories this issue because we sold out on ads weeks before. Sold out. On ads. As in, we can’t take anymore because we have too much content.

That’s a great problem for a college newspaper. That’s a great problem for any newspaper.

So between freelancing and my students this week, I probably worked 50 hours. Meaning little time for running.

Here’s a look at what I’ve been doing:

SUNDAY

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Mega Super Bowl party day. With lots of food.

I’m not a fan of any specific football team. I appreciate a good game for a good game. So I was kind of bored the first half. But then, when it got interesting, I was invested. I love games that go down to the wire.

But really, I go to the party for the food.

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Oh hey pansit, where is your homeboy adobo? Oh, right next to you? Don’t mind if I do?

Wait… what’s that?

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Pulled pork! This photo doesn’t do it justice. My friend’s husband is a culinary genius with the pulled pork. But really, the potato salad up top was the amazing part. I didn’t know she made such a great potato salad. (I’m a bit of a potato salad aficionado, really.) I took home a ton of it too. And ate it for two days. I’m not even going to lie.

And I bet your Super Bowl party didn’t feature animals.

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Our friends live in the country. Sorry about the blur, Joleen the goat didn’t like the paparazzi.

WEDNESDAY

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We were still thinking of names for this little pup. Last night, we finally agreed on one: Cassiopeia.

We’re calling her Cassie for short. And her name fits our theme. We name our dogs after songs. Our oldest female is Sky Midnight Blue after Peter Gabriel’s Sky Blue. Our male is Hey Beau Diddley after the song Hey Bo Diddley.

Cassiopeia’s full name will be Winter Star Cassiopeia. If you love Third Eye Blind as much as I do, you know the line comes from the original version of Campfire, a song that made it to Ursa Major with a lot of tweaking. It was retitled Bonfire.

It’s appropriate, for many reasons.

These lines:

And there’s all these winter stars still flying

Cassiopeia

Everything’s changing now

And:

Into one thousand pieces

I had broke into over you

Nightshade will soon be gone

But I keep burning on and on and on

I’m a bigger fan of 3EB’s less popular tracks than the band’s big hits, including God of Wine. But this song seems appropriate as nearly everything in my life is changing now. And I really feel a connection to the “burning on and on and on” line right now. And lately? Into a thousand pieces I broke into over journalism. Very fitting.

I’m not sure what it says about me that my love for a band transcends all the years it’s been out of the mainstream. I’ve seen them three times in concert, most recently at a day-long music festival where I swear I was the only one singing every word to every song. The song I most wanted to hear that night? Campfire.

We toyed with Page, for Mumford and Son’s White Blank Page. I also offered up Storm for Mumford’s After the Storm.

I think my husband agreed on Cassiopeia because he didn’t want me to name any of our future children that. No kidding.

THURSDAY

I spent my morning clearing pages for my student’s first issue of the semester.

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It included a spread, the first ever since I’ve been adviser, on gun control. The stories were well reported. The editors did a fine job on this. It looks even better in person. I’m really proud of the work they did on this issue.

But Tuesday, it’s on to the next one. Always on to the next one.

FRIDAY

I had my worker’s compensation evaluation that I’d been dreading for months in the morning. I took my mom. I think if I hadn’t, I would have fallen into all those pieces all over again. She, at least, made me feel more comfortable as my heart sped up and I was forced to remember everything that led me to where I am right now.

The appointment lasted so long that my mom went with me to a dress fitting for my December bridesmaid duties.

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This was the first dress I tried on. They were all cute, but I think the bride now knows which one we’ll all be purchasing pretty soon here. On the list of things I didn’t know: Bridesmaid dresses take 10-12 weeks to get.

I knew wedding dresses took a long time, but wow.

Confession: I bought my wedding dresses at a bridal discount store in Roseville. To be fair, my sister bought it for me. I didn’t have a credit card that would charge the $500, so my mom put it on hers and my sister paid her back.

My whole wedding was planned on a similar modus operandi. It cost $15,000 at the end, but was paid for over three years of engagement. To be fair, I was only 24. All my savings were pumped into my wedding. I came out of it with a husband and no money left in a savings account that one had $8,000.

Would I do it differently now? Definitely. I’d go to Las Vegas. Just saying.

My husband, though, a couple months ago said our wedding day was one of the best of his life. That makes it all worth it, since he’s not a man of many sweet words.

This is the first time I’ve ever been a bridesmaid, so I’m learning a ton of stuff. (Jenn, if you are reading this, I promise not to mess this up.) Yesterday, the woman at the bridal store mentioned fabric swatches and making sure dye colors matched. I’m like: “Whoa, slow down.” And I know the decisions are even harder for the bride.

Planning a wedding is hard business. I’m extremely fortunate that my bride friend is a really down-to-earth woman with a great sense of humor and a love for life. She doesn’t even mind me sending her a ton of photos of me with awkward faces in dresses (Some of the colors were crazy!).

I treated my mom to lunch after at a sandwich place I love. So a not-so-great day actually turned out better. When I got home another friend came over and ate pizza and junk food with me.

TODAY

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After weeks of feeling as if my legs were going to fall off, I realized I should maybe switch out my shoes, especially with a half marathon next weekend.

I’ve had this pair of LunarEclipes in my closet for about four months. I bought them on deep sale for about $80, marked down from $140.

I ran five miles this morning in them.

And you know what? I needed new shoes.

I had little pain. My feet felt more supported. It was like running on cushions.

Anyone who tells you that you can run 400+ miles in a pair of shoes is an idiot. Seriously. I ran 600+ on my oldest pair of shoes. They sit next to the treadmill. Now I know they are only good for walking and housework. I should have known.

But I’m been trying to preserve my shoes for a bit longer and longer each time, if just to keep down the costs.

In January, Nike launched the LunarEclipse +3. It’s the same shoe, with new upper design. Now the +2’s are on sale for $79.16 at Road Runner Sports. I’m considering buying two pairs, which should get me through the year before I have to buy the more expensive +3s.

The best part of all of this is that I’m excited for my 10-mile run tomorrow morning. I haven’t said that in awhile. At five miles, I wanted to keep going, but I didn’t.

I’ve been avoiding the treadmill all week (I did run six outside this week), because of the pain my legs have been in.

So, if anything, take away this tidbit for the week: If you’re in pain, it’s likely your shoes. Change the shoes.

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So things keep happening

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Like us getting a new puppy. She doesn’t have a name yet. My husband is working on that.

But she’s so fun. Our other dogs aren’t quite sure what to do with her yet. I don’t think we ever considered ourselves a three-dog family. But my mom had her. And she kind of found a way into my heart. She was the puppy who, every time I’d go over to my parents house, would come up to me and give me love.

These pups were born last November, about the time everything was falling apart for me.

It’s kind of fitting we have one now.

I’ve been spending a lot of time on WordPress lately, just not doing a lot for this site. It’s part of a freelance gig I have where I get to code CSS all day long. And. I. Love. It.

Words cannot express how much I love it. I get to spend all day doing amazing web work. Plus I get to code in my pajamas. Or running clothes.

In fact, when a friend stopped by the other day I actually told her she was lucky I was in real clothes.

Even better? I get to take a running lunch break. Seriously. When I’m not at school, which is more than 20 hours a week right now, I’m working from home.

So yesterday, when I started getting a little frustrated because I couldn’t figure out a specific line of CSS, I decided it was a perfect time to go for a run.

Eight miles of a run. During the middle of the day.

Of course, that means today I didn’t attempt a long run.

But Sunday is the Super Bowl. And that means I’ll be eating a lot of amazing goodies. So I’m getting myself up early and running.

Ten miles is on my agenda. I need to do 10. I kind of have to. Rock ‘n’ Roll Pasadena is in 15 days. It’s go time. My plan is to it in at least three 10 milers in the next few weeks. I wouldn’t normally go so crazy training mode about it, but I’m really suffering out there.

My husband reminded me that when I had my last surgery, I took off a lot longer than I am now. I reminded him that I couldn’t afford to forgo a $100-plus race right now. Especially since the hotel room is already paid for and everything is all planned out. We even already have our parking permit for the Rose Bowl!

I know none of that matters when it comes to injury, but I’m still just wanting to be where I was before the surgery.

I’m going to say tomorrow isn’t going to help with my waistline, especially since I already know that pulled pork sliders and other meat items smothered in brown sugar and marinades is on the menu.

Then there’s also the knowledge that I’m contributing to my own problem. My friend asked me to bake. I honestly thought my husband and I would take something savory to the party, like mini chicken bakes or a low-fat dish.

Nope. She wanted me to bake.

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So I obliged. I made brownie bites with frosting. I also make mini cheesecakes covered in raspberry preserves.

“Better wear some elastic waist bottoms,” she said in a text to me. Yikes. Let’s hope I can knock out that 10-miler without issues. Otherwise I won’t be able to eat anything at that party.

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About that clothing fast

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About that clothing fast? I’m really glad I made an exception for socks. This is now the second pair of socks my big toes have demolished in a three week period.

You see the little nail popping out there? It’s a little black still. Actually it’s more than a little black. It looks better than it did a couple weeks ago, but it’s not pretty either.

clothes3To be fair, these socks are about a year old. I don’t replace them as regularly as they tell me to at my local running store, but at $12 a pair they are really expensive. I only spend about $1 a pair on my regular socks at Target. I’m nowhere near fancy.

I’m now used to the questions I get asked about why I buy “special” clothes for running. Why the socks? Why the capris? Why the shirts? Why bother at all?

After a disastrous half marathon where my feet were rubbed raw from a bad pair of non-running socks, I decided it wasn’t worth the pain anymore. I had never owned running socks prior to that. I figured my $1 Target socks were decent enough to push me through a run. Nope.

Now I need a new pair. These ones will get stitched up and used for everyday wear. (I can’t use them for running once I sew them. They tend to bunch up in the toe and can cause more pain, especially in feet prone to black toenails, like me.)

It looks like I’ll be in the market for some running socks.

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Making everyday recipes low fat

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I’m trying to really make better choices since my gallbladder removal, especially when it comes to consumption of many of my favorite foods. One that I love more than anything else? Cheese.

Cheese is always one of the things I told to consider cutting out completely.

The problem is that my husband can eat whatever he wants to. But I’m the one who cooks. So I have to make things for dinner that we both like.

As I was recuperating from surgery, I spent a lot of time on Pinterest. I don’t think I ever let my iPad go unless I was sleeping, which happened quite often as well. It was there I came across a recipe for a rolled chicken-bake like creation.

If you live near a Costco, you know the allure of a chicken bake. My husband loves them. I forgot to pin it, though, after I found it. So I tried to recreate it from memory, but with some low fat and fat free substitutes.

Ingredients

  • Two chicken breasts
  • 1 packet Hidden Valley Ranch dry mix
  • 1 cup low fat mozzarella cheese
  • 1 package fat free cream cheese
  • 1 cylinder pre-made pizza dough
  • Fat free cooking oil

Instructions

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1. Start by frying the chicken with a fat free cooking oil. Add 1/4 of the ranch mix for seasoning. Move the chicken off the stove, let cool down.

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2. Put the cream cheese and mozzarella into a bowl, mix in with 1/2 pack of the ranch dry mix. Set aside. Preheat oven at 400 degrees.

3. Open dough, spread out on a 13-by-9-inch pan in the shape of a rectangle.

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4. Mix the chicken into the cream cheese and mozzarella.

5. Spread the chicken mixture along the center of the dough.

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6. Roll the dough over the chicken mixture, making sure to pinch the ends so that the chicken mixture doesn’t come out.

7. Put roll in the oven for 20 minutes (this may change depending on the oven, my oven runs hot so it didn’t take 20 minutes).

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8. Let cool. Cut in slices and serve. The ends will likely be a little more bulked up, so you can either cut the loaf in half and split the two separate  pieces or cut in smaller slices, serving the two end pieces a little larger than the rest.

The verdict? My husband loved it. He’s planning on taking the rest of it to work tomorrow for lunch.

Plus, he didn’t really notice the difference in taste from regular to low fat.

I have a great recipe for homemade pizza crust that I have from a recipe book from one of our favorite wineries, I’m hoping to try it with as well. I think next time I won’t put so much of the dry ranch dressing into the cream cheese mixture (which is why I said only about 1/2 the packet), so that it doesn’t taste as “ranchy” as I thought it did.

I don’t know exact calories, but I know it doesn’t taste as dense as the Costco chicken bakes. In fact, it actually isn’t all that bad on my newly sensitive stomach.

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The season for trimming down

January is the month when people take their resolutions far more seriously than they do any other month. I know. I’ve made and broken a lot of New Year’s resolutions in the first month of the year.

It’s also the year when big-box stores put all the workout equipment front and center. Plus, there are usually great deals to be had.

On Saturday, my husband and I visited our local Sears store. He needed to buy a nail gun so we could finish putting new baseboards in our bedroom, thereby finishing the epic master suite renovation of 2013. (We have nice vaulted ceilings which are great in general, but a pain to paint.) Our home is 20-years old and likely hasn’t been painted for the last 10, so the paint job was much needed.

My favorite part about Sears? The treadmills and workout stuff are right next to the tools.

That’s where I found a toning loop set for $11.37, tax included.

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It event comes with a workout DVD. I actually have a qualm with that. I’m spoiled maybe, but I’d rather not collect more DVDs in my house. I’m big on getting rid of clutter. I’m always throwing bags upon bags of stuff I consider garbage away. Can’t we get an Internet video link NordicTrack? Just saying. End rant.

I’ve been looking for a set of these to work my inner thighs and arms, places that often get neglected when I run.

So my husband bought a nail gun. I bought toning bands.

We completed two separate purchases, because I paid cash, and were talking the whole time my husband was in line before me.

“Do you know that man?” the associate asked me when I got up to the register.

“He’s my husband,” I said.

The associate gave me a funny look, then looked at my husband, then at me. Then he asked if I wanted to use Thomas’ reward card.

“Sure,” I said.

“Do you know his phone number,” the associate asked.

I wanted to say: “No, we’ve only been married for nearly five years and together 11, but I don’t know his phone number. In fact, I wouldn’t know what he looked like if he hadn’t have come to the house we jointly own for the first time last night just to introduce himself.”

I didn’t. But that’s the sort of thing that goes through my head when people ask me questions like that.

The biggest deal I saw with all the NordicTrack-related fitness gear was for a 3-in-1 roller set. I paid $45 for my Grid roller. I paid another $25 for my Stick roller. Then I paid $25 for my Tiger Tail, which is my favorite of the three. Altogether they cost me nearly $100.

Then I saw this:

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Shut up.

Sometimes I hate myself for over thinking things. Wow. I could have paid less than $30 for nearly all those things. They have this bad boy at Sears.com too. That set also includes an instructional DVD. (Or you can go to YouTube and search “foam roller” and find some iPad friendly tutorials.)

I actually checked out the rollers. They aren’t pool noodles. Add a little Duct Tape to those and you have yourself a not-so-fancy roller, but with not as much support as you’d probably get with a more expensive, not-homemade one.

Also on sale? Medicine balls. Weights. Jump ropes.

Lots of stuff to help you trim down.

I have to be honest: I only visit that area because in the likely decline of my treadmill, which will happen sooner rather than later, I’m hoping I know what to pick up immediately when I need to buy a new one. That said, I’m hoping my $800 NordicTrack has a few more years of life left in it, especially since I maintenance it myself now, lube and all.

True story: I used $500 I won in a graduate-school journalism competition toward my treadmill. Most people would have bought a video camera or something, especially me since I love shooting video. Nope. I bought a treadmill.

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This is going to be harder than I thought

I’ve run all of six miles since I got cleared to officially run. Six miles. And the first two were slow-as-molasses miles. I’m talking 12-minute mile zone. That’s usually my warm-up pace for the first half mile.

Yesterday, it was a nice comfort zone that took me two miles to break out of.

Let me explain.

Today, I was supposed to pumping out a record-fast 10K at the 2013 version of this race:

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Instead, I’m trying to find my balance again running, literally.

A week ago, after looking at my half marathon plans for Feb. 17 I realized most of my workouts were going to be treadmill activities. Not because I’m so in love with my treadmill I don’t want to leave the house. It’s because I’m still having some balance issues from the gallbladder removal surgery.

My surgeon said the issues will go away within a month. And while I could just say “oh well, no running for a month,” I can’t do that if I am really adamant about running Rock ‘n’ Roll Pasadena.

To be fair, anyone can walk/run a half without a ton of training. I want to do better than I did last year.

Basically if I get deep into a run, I start to feel as if my head is spinning. Then I wobble a little bit. Then my balance goes right out the window. It sounds really dangerous, yes. You’re thinking: “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING?”

I sound naive, but it’s not as bad now as it was on Monday when I ran four miles. I’m hoping if I hit the treadmill today it would be as bad as it was yesterday. It will wear off, I was assured. So when I hopped on the treadmill for my six-mile run yesterday, I spent 24 minutes over two miles making sure I didn’t lose my balance.

I also ran later in the day.

Being without the dread of my full-time job means I can be creative again (not even kidding). It also means I can take on freelance assignments. I’m lucky enough to have a friend I greatly admire, who is sending some awesome coding/web building assignments my way. So I woke up at 7 a.m. Friday, put on my running clothes and then proceeding to alter alter CSS for five hours before deciding it was time to run. (My husband probably shouldn’t know that.) The good news is, the website I’m working on is starting to look like the mocks up. And I ran with only one short dizzy spell.

I WANT to be ready for Pasadena. I WANT to do better than last year. But right now I’m having some serious doubts in my capabilities to run a half. That gives me serious doubts in running the April 7 marathon too. (I hate even writing that because I’ve already paid for it, we already know we are going and I know I WANT to do that race too.)

Maybe this is still the post-operative fog talking. After a similar surgery in 2010, I only took a week off work. I ended up taking nearly six weeks off running. I don’t want to do that again. That was also a planned surgery. The gallbladder removal was an emergency. I can’t imagine what I’d be feeling, the back and forth thoughts and all, if it had happened closer to the Oakland Half Marathon, closer to the San Luis Obispo Marathon. I’d be devastated.

Right now? I’m mildly disappointed. I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter as sad for me as the one I did to the Brazen race director two weeks ago. I really just wanted to be there today. And not sitting at home wondering what might have been if my gallbladder had decided not to, for lack of better visual, explode on me.